apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
