Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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