You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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