He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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