The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize