All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
