Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize