It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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