When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
