what day is it and did you see me today?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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