This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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