I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
