Can i not drive my cunt home
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
