why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
