If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
