My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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