Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
