The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
