So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
