Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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