I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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