having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
