Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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