hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
