I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
