So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
