He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
