i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
