im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
