I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
