I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
