Apparently you make a good broom.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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