He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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