In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize