Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
They are going to name an STD after you.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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