I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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