so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize