im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
