i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
