the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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