I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
