Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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