just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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