I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
