I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm passing your future prison.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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