I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
