Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
