we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
