I'm so fucking centered right now
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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