i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
cat food counts as protein by the way
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize