why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
