So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
