Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
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