margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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