You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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