Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
