I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
They left me at home... I'm a liability
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
