i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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