well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
