My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize