I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize