I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
