hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
